I have noticed that in all of this I’ve begun to feel a deep sorrow. It’s like a grey rainy day hanging around inside of me. It tinges all my smiles with a slight down turn at the edges. It seeps into my quiet moments and especially into the times just after I’ve experienced the love from friends, co-workers and family.
I, being a knowledge seeker, sought to find out what this sorrow was made up of. Was I sad that Eddie died? Of course I was! He was a happy, enthusiastic, energetic young boy. He was always on the move. But that was not what the sadness was made of.
I searched it deeper and found that it was a sadness that was made up of seeing my daughter weep at the loss of her small child, knowing that as much as I and others tried to comfort her, there would always now be a sadness within her. It was tinged with a sadness of seeing my son-in-law carry the burden of trying to keep his children from being too sad, of holding his wife when she wept, of carrying the youngest in his powerful arms and of his constancy in prayer for his family. It had a tinge of the sadness I see in my 15-year-old granddaughter’s eyes, knowing that she cannot expunge the scene of the accident from her memory, and now will carry it with her for her whole life. It has the tinge of sadness I see in my wife’s eyes as she looks at our grandson’s picture and remembers her last encounter with him, where he sat calmly by her side at Church, something he rarely did.
I know this sadness in me will not go away, I do know it will slowly become less and less painful to touch. I do not wish it to go away, because it reminds me that I am human, and reminds me that I am made in my Father’s image, a Father that cares for us. I know that I will carry it forever and it may even overwhelm me at those special times when we gather and realize that a chair is empty, or someone calls “Eddie” when they mean someone else, or when my eyes meet my daughter’s or my wife’s eyes when we are seeing something that reminds us of him. But still I need it, I need it because the other choice is to forget, to forget the wonderful child who we all miss, who we all grieve his absence, but we all know that we will someday see again.
“Why are you downcast, my soul, why do you groan within me? Wait for God, for I shall again praise him, my savior and my God.” Psalm 42:12
In the meantime, I’ve seen miracles occur. I’ve seen the Gospel come alive. In Matthew 7:7-8 Jesus says,
“Ask and it shall be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you. For everyone that asks, receive and he that seeks finds, and to him that knocks, it shall be opened."
We asked for prayers, and you poured them forth. We’ve been surrounded by a community of believers who assailed heaven with their voices and the heavens responded. I’ve seen neighbors and friends and even those who did not know the family come out and give them support and food and finances that will make their future easier to bear. I’ve seen news media who usually turn a personal tragedy into a news circus, be kind and compassionate and responsible. I’ve seen people come out in the hundreds and express their sorrow and attempt to be a comfort. I’ve seen people who have ignored their faith for years respond to the request for prayer turn back to God and seek his face.
I will overcome the darkness and sadness because I am one of His children and I know that Eddie now lives in the Father’s arms. I will continue to praise my Father in heaven for his goodness and mercy and grace. I will seek out his face even more than before, because I know that my Redeemer lives and that Eddie now lives with Him. We may miss Eddie, but we have grown closer as a family and stronger in our faith. We have journeyed through a dark valley and can see the light now dawning on us.
May God bless each of you that have shown us so much love and may His grace be poured forth onto your families. May God's Peace be with you and with us.
